my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
So many bounce houses so little time
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You may now shotgun with the bride
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
