I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
