Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize