Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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