You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
