I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
