Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
