So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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