Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
