My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
