paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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