i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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