Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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