I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
