so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.