your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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