I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.