I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
