There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
