he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
