i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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