Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
