Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
