Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize