Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
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Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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