I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
