imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
