This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
