so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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