Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
