I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Randomize
