flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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