So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
