my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
