you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
