ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
