I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Couch. On fire.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
