I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
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I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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