I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
