thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
