It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
