dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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