Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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