Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
