i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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