What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
These tits shall not be calmed
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