Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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