dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
