Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
