those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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