That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
You can't special order awesome
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
