I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
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Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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