I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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