I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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