he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
