I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
