my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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