the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
