Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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