His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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